If people knew how hard it is to live another birthday without my grand daughter, I thought, they would be surprised. I bet most think after all these years, time heals the jagged wound of grief. MaryAnn "And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." I thought of those who early on had wanted to stop me from grieving. They believed that by prayer and scripture verses about God being near that they could whisk away my pain. > > I wanted to tell them that it was biblical to weep and to groan. We don't have to look far to see that life is not as it could be. We long for a world without evil, illness, disasters, and devastation just as the psalmist does in the Book of Psalms. > Yet, even so, there were those who wanted to take my grief from me. They wanted to coat over it like the workmen recently did when they used machinery to repair the streets in my neighborhood. These men filled the cracks and rough edges with tar to make the surfaces smooth. > > I wanted to tell them that it was biblical to weep and to groan. We don't have to look far to see that life is not as it could be. We long for a world without evil, illness, disasters, and devastation just as the psalmist does in the Book of Psalms. > Yet, even so, there were those who wanted to take my grief from me. They wanted to coat over it like the workmen recently did when they used machinery to repair the streets in my neighborhood. These men filled the cracks and rough edges with tar to make the surfaces smooth. > > I was not made to be smooth! I was a grandmother with a grandmother's heart, a heart full of love for my grandchild. Were they denying me of the love God had placed in my very core for my grandaughter? If so, they were denying God. God gave this strong love to grandmothers. In my opinion, this love is the most pure human love available on earth. This love nurtures, cares, heals, comforts, provides unconditionally, and weeps. To stomp it out is impossible. It beats on and on, even when the object of its love is no longer in sight. Faith had breathed her last on earth, but as long as I lived, I would love as a greandmother for her grandchild . > > My eyes filled with tears as I continued my walk. All these years, I've felt misunderstood. I had let others try to push aside my love, which of course, comes with sadness from missing my grandchild. I had grimaced when well-meaning folk tried to make light of my sorrow by saying I would see Faith again in Heaven, and then felt guilty for not letting that knowledge make me want to smile. > > Seeing Faith again on earth is what I wanted. I wanted her here, growing with my other grandchildren. I wanted my oldest, grandaughter who remembers her best, to be able to have Faith as her sibling. The one younger children had never known her, Emily and she had missed out on a funny, sweet girl who was generous in her care for others. I wanted to watch her blow out the candles on her fifth birthday cake, her tenth, her sixteenth, and her cake today. Telling me not to miss her because I'll see her again in Heaven was missing the point. I will not be her grandmother in Heaven, making her grilled cheese sandwiches, buying her Cocoa Puffs, and listening to her accounts of his first day of high school or college. For although the Bible reveals little of our next life, it's not going to be a repeat of this one. A repeat of this one! That would not be heavenly at all. We're not going to be in little families as we are on earth, or married, or getting older with body parts that sag, or having to put up with neighbors who don't mow their grass. > > So I moan over what I lost. I ache because it is no more. There are chapters in Faith's life that I wanted to share with her here, like his first day of kindergarten, teaching her to read, and the other many milestones other grandparents get with their grandchildren. > > I continue to love my grandaughter and wish she had not shaking baby syndrome. What grandmother wouldn't feel the same? If there is one, I don't want to have tea with her! > > I let the sun dry my tears and when my my husband arrived, we ate lunch. For dessert, we munched on Teddy Grahams because Faith loved those. We placed a tied a baby doll on a balloon for Faith, and laughed, remembering how Faith slipped and fell at a petting zoo, and was nipped at by a goat. . > > Then we sent a helium Happy Birthday balloon into the air and watched it bump into a tree limb, get stuck, and slowly free itself to make the journey into the blue sky. We watched that balloon as it sparkled in the sunshine until we could see it no more. > > Then we parted. We returned back to our daily routines, as we had so many since we met. But as always, we carried her with us deep within our hearts with those rough edges. > > I feel this bond with all my family from a Great grandson to my Aunt Lucille whom is the oldest alive 101and all hos that have one before me...... > ____________________________________________________________